Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
