cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
