i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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