You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
