then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
