god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
