I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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