I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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