I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
