I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
