so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
