I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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