Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
