ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
