i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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