Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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