I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
