Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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