I CAN MOONWALK!
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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