I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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