I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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