I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
