I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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