only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
