sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.