you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
