I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
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do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
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i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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