The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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