I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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