I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
