I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
