if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
