omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
there is glitter all over my balls
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
