Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
