If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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