I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
