I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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