If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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