I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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