She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
