Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
