Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
