he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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