My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
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HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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