i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I want her autograph on my taint
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
