I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
