I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My dick has a subreddit
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
