She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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