I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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