Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
