We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
