And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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