Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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