he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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