K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
