11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
