1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
