Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
