You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
