Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
So squirting runs in the family.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
