I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I AM VODKA MAN
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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