I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
