Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
